A Series of Difficult Days - The Pain
by SheynaLew
Summary: When all boundaries are removed and then suddenly thrust back upon them, can returning to their normal lives really be possible?


"Yes sir."

Two words. Two words that crushed him. His voice caught in his throat, and he choked out "Sir."

It felt like his world had imploded. Everything he thought he knew, everything he thought he had, torn to shreds in front of him as reality smacked him in the face. God, it hurt. And what made it worse was seeing his agony reflected in her face. This had broken her too.

"Let's go home." But he didn't want to. He never wanted to leave this place. He didn't think home would ever feel like 'home' again, now that he knew what it was like to love her freely. He followed her out anyway.

* * *

 _Huddled up together in the dark, the sounds of steam being vented and the snoring of the other workers masking their whispered conversations from anyone who might have overheard. Her head was on his shoulder, her upturned hand resting on his knee, their fingers intertwined as he told her he remembered feeling feelings. She laughed softly as he joked that his feelings were for Tor, and replied with "Well then, I feel better." Then she'd moved her head and turned to kiss his cheek. He tried to remember a time when he'd felt happier, but there was nothing but this moment._

* * *

Jack woke up, his cheek tingling from a phantom kiss that should never have been. He groaned and dragged his hands over his eyes, down his face. If he'd thought sleep would remove all thought of Jonah and Thera from hismind he was sorely mistaken. He'd dreamed of nothing but their time together, memories and fantasies of what their life would have been if they'd stayed. Then he'd woken and the pain of losing what they'd had stabbed him in the heart each time. His night had been a fitful repetition of dreams and pain. There was no escape from missing her.

He rolled over and looked at the alarm clock, glowing green digits in the dark. 04:07. He'd been home just over nine hours. Alone for almost ten, since he left the base. Beneath the surface he'd never had a moment to himself. Everywhere he went he was at least ten feet from another worker. Even when the others were asleep and he snuck away from his bunk he was with _her_.

It was weird. Back on Earth he'd give anything for alone time. An escape to the cabin. A night in with a cold one and The Simpsons. Before.

Now, he found that the time alone was like a personal torture. His thoughts kept drifting back to hidden spaces in the dark, the smell of Thera…Carter…making him feel like he was home. The feel of her hair between his fingers and her tongue in his mouth. There was that 'heart in the throat' thing again. God, he missed her.

He wanted to call her. He'd picked up the phone twice but put in back down before he'd even dialled her number.

He wondered if she was doing ok, if she missed him too, if the thought of spending a night without him near her was just as painful. He'd seen the look on her face when he'd repeated her "Sir". She'd wanted to stay down there too.

Fuck it.

He picked up the phone on his bedside table again, dialled most of her number this time. And then slammed it back down in frustration. Whatever they were on that damned planet, they were "Sir" and "Carter" now. They were Airforce. He was her Commanding officer. And he had no right to be calling her at this time of night. No matter how much he missed her, no matter how much he wanted her curled up against him in his bed.

And then his phone rang.

"O'Neill." His voice was cracking from the lack of sleep.

"Sir?" Her voice was quiet, uncertain. He imagined that she'd been doing the same thing as him; picking up her phone to call him and then deciding otherwise. Maybe this time she'd gotten as far as actually calling him before coming back to her senses. Maybe she was about to hang up when he'd answered.

"Yeah, Sam." He didn't feel right calling her Carter. Not when she was ringing him at four thirty in the morning. Not after he'd spent the night dreaming of her.

"I…I didn't think you'd answer."

He smiled at that. "That's usually what happens when someone rings me…"

He heard her chuckle and a rush of warmth swept through him.

"Do you…" He started, but stopped himself.

"What?" She asked, immediately, a hint of hope in her voice.

"Nothing. Never mind. Are you ok?"

"Yes." She paused. "Not really."

"Yeah, me neither."

They sat there in silence, comforted by the sound of each other breathing, and if he closed his eyes he could pretend that she was there with him.

* * *

It was only when his alarm went off an hour later that he released they'd fallen asleep on the phone to each other.

"Jonah?" He heard her mutter groggily in his ear. Then, "Shit. Sir. Sorry."

"It's alright, Sam." Though he had no idea what she was apologising for. Was it that she'd called him so late? That she'd clearly fallen asleep on the phone to him? Or that she'd called him Jonah?

"What time is it?" She grumbled.

"Oh-five-thirty." He yawned.

"Eugh."

"Time for work, Carter." He tried to force himself back to Colonel O'Neill mode and heard an odd strangled sound down the phone. Like she was coughing to force back tears. He knew how that felt.

"I'll see you at the base?" He asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you in a bit, sir."

And there is was again. That one word that broke his heart. Sir.


End file.
